Her cleft

Another thing that has been very difficult for me during Lucyann's life is to show pictures of her before her cleft repair. This is yet another step in my “self-therapy” that I am taking…

Because Lucy’s cleft was an unexpected defect she was born with, her birth differed greatly from that of her big sister. I remember when Janna was born, everyone was so happy. What a perfect baby she was: perfect skin, 10 fingers and toes, a perfect little body, rosy puckered lips, and the most precious little nose I had ever seen. The photo album of her birth shows us and our family with our first born: smiling, excited, and proud.

Waiting for the arrival of Lucyann, I could barely control my excitement to see those same features. Jason and I had been “arguing” for months about who Lucyann was going to look like. Would she be tall like Jason? Maybe she would have his dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. Perhaps she would be like Janna and I with hazel eyes and light brown hair. As soon as she made her appearance, I first noticed her blue eyes and blond hair. Immediately after that, I focused on her face, hoping to find the same perfect nose and full, rosy lips. I gasped when I saw what was there and remember saying, “Oh my gosh…she has a cleft.” The nurse looked at me blankly and said, “Oh, I thought you knew.” All of the hopes and dreams I had of a “perfect” baby were suddenly thrown out the door. Our tears of joy were turned into tears of sadness. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but this was a major deformity to her face. It was very difficult to think about all of the surgeries she would have to go through but mostly, how others would look at her. Doctors immediately reassured me that this cleft could be fixed and that no one would ever know she had it.  They also calmed my fears that something even worse was wrong with her. They reassured me over and over that she would be “just fine”. 

I look back now on her baby book and find pictures of everyone in tears. The baby book had a section for “emotions felt on this special day.” I have struggled for months about how to fill it out. How do I describe how it was one of the best days of my life, yet it was also one of the worst?

For her first two months of life, I kept her mostly out of public view. It was not that I was ashamed of her. Mostly, it was so people wouldn’t stare. If people came over, I would preface her introduction with something along the lines of “Lucyann was born with a cleft lip and gum…yes, she will get surgery…no, it doesn’t hurt her- she doesn’t know the difference…and yes, she is always this happy!” I myself did not take any pictures of her. Thanks to my beautiful mother, I am able to have pictures of Lucy before her surgery. It is funny, looking at these pictures today, I barely remember that baby. However, the emotions I felt at her birth are still raw.